Monday, January 30, 2012

journal journey

I have been absent for a while.   Self imposed, if you 
can't say anything nice don't say anything at all, pull yourself up by your boot
straps, screw you all, guilt, anger, lay in bed, kind of 
absence that can be hard to 
climb out of.

The holidays are tough for me, my kids are getting older, and i don't know about any of you...
blended families can be tricky during the season especially.
My youngest son lives with his Dad four hours away from me and- 
let's just say there isn't a current workable parenting plan.

i miss my family unit, struggle with realistic expectations on the whole lousy situation, 
and have trouble reconciling with
what it actually is.  I do have a good life.  I am thankful.
sometimes.... the things that are not in my control 
are difficult to let go of and just be ok with them.

I've been journaling though

sometimes with words, a lot of times 
just with color and texture.

I really do enjoy it.  The freedom of just trying new mediums, techniques, 
and throwing color on a discarded books gives
me freedom.

freedom to screw up
- it's just an old book that someone 
was going to throw out.
no judgements, no worries
There is no guilt or jealousy.  No stress or repercussions.
just art

Recently a good friend told me that I don't have to forgive.  

This is something that is somewhat against 
the societal ideal that inner peace comes with forgiveness.  She pointed out that forgiving an act against you is pointless and self damaging if that same grieves act is repeated over and over.
It's almost if she gave me permission to be ok.
I don't have to forgive.

Permission to not feel guilty:
 not being able to forgive
not even wanting to forgive

I painted again.  Big, bright and bold.  It made my heart feel good.
It made me feel Bold.  

thank you art.  thank you friend.

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