Friday, March 25, 2011

am i doing anything right?

I suddenly realized today that it has been 20 days since my last post.  That seems like a lot and i had to think why it has been so long.  i forgot my aunts birthday this week.  i have been feelin kinda "off".    i tried to think why and did the normal mental inventory....  kids, work, relationships, health issues, etc.  yup, still all stressful to some degree.  the teenagers pulling stunts, the 11 year old not cleaning her room and dressing in her own delightful way, due dates at work, another doctors visit, financial worries, the basic AM I DOING ANYTHING RIGHT?

what is my problem?  then it hits me like a smack upside the head.  it has been a year since i dove into this artistic journey of mine without coming up for air.  art has been my savior, my light, my "me" thing that i haven't had the courage to claim my whole adult life- until now.  silly me, the tears are rolling as i type.  why am i going on like this in my blog?  i lost my grandma this time last year.  i lost a lot of things, but i did gain too.  and she would be proud.  

im worried about being selfish, about saying too much, about not speaking out enough about  what my art has saved me from.  i dont think i need to be specific to connect to others.  we all have our own battles and struggles we endure: those battles that grandma was in my corner, cheering "kick his ass!"  i just want to share that after 2 years of feeling like nothing worse could possibly happen, my floor dropped out.  from the outside everything seemed fine.  but it wasn't.  i hung on by a thread and have been able to slowly climb up and out.  the only reason was art.  

its been hard to be in my studio.  too many feelings.  i made excuses, but if feels good to just finally be in here.  even if all i am doing is typing.  not even making sense.  (and omg no caps at the start of all sentences!)  oh well.  

life goes on.  we learn, hopefully.  we share.  make someone smile.  give a hug. get one or more  :)  
its all good when my teenage son says "love ya momma" and seals it with a hug as he towers over me.

what goes around comes around.  good karma.  doing the right thing.  

planting the seed though the harvest you may never see~

xo J

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