Saturday, December 18, 2010

New Day

I am struggling, hoping for a new day.

Yesterday was
exhausting, irritating.
I was at my limit
teary, exacerbated.
My friends
hugged me with their words
tried to make me laugh
Students were
filled with awkward silence.
All of us were
thinking of nothing more than
sleeping in.
We needed a break,
a new day.

There doesn't seem to ever be enough of me. Enough for my kids, my art, work, or friends. My house is in total disorder and my worries about my kids seem to cloud every thought through out my day. I want a yoga day, actually just an hour, but can't see where I can find that much time for me.

I read Kelly Rae, with her new bundle of love, True, and it takes me back when there were 4 little ones all around me. I felt similar to the way i do now, but different. I would have my hair in a pony tail for days, my shirt would be covered in spit up and toddler tantrums at the grocery store were unfortunate, irritating, and embarrassing. What about teenage tantrums? How do others live through this strain? At this point I would rather be covered in baby vomit!

I try and remember that they are searching for who they are, testing the boundaries, looking for their niche. this doesn't seem to help as they are now old enough to be in this world somewhat independently. they can walk to the store, have all kinds of distractions and opportunities along the way to do STUPID things. of course, none of the bad stuff will happen to them because they are invincible. their actions don't really affect anyone at home. They don't think further than the moment.

my time and energy are depleted. I feel like when i did when all the kids were little, bone weary. they need me now more than they did then. the opportunities for owies is all around. I keep wishing a simple baby gate would protect them.

Today is my first day on winter break from school. i have a phone call at 11 to look forward to from Rene. her support has been enormous and i can just read an email from her to lift my spirits.
I plan on working in my studio (fingers crossed), and staying home with my husband and kids.

This is a new day! I will be grateful. (wish me luck!)

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